confused

I am exhausted and anxious.

I have been on the edge of falling over tired all day and a foreboding feeling has been hanging over me. It feels like I am forgetting something – that I am going to get in trouble for something, that I have forgotten to do something important.

I was sitting in the car this afternoon while Ray was picking up some fruit and a woman walked past me with a very young baby in a snuggly on her chest. I started crying. I know that it is not something that I can do anything about right now and I’m not even sure that I want a baby of my own, but I am still extremely sad that it isn’t an option. 

I am confused about what I am supposed to be doing right now. My life just feels like an ongoing pattern of appointments, self-care, errands, illness, groceries, rests – repeat… when will this end? what are my options? what am i accomplishing?

The monotony of it is painful and I don’t know how to break it. 

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I also know that this isn’t my whole life. That I do have times that are outside of this pattern – that i have times that are different, are fun, are inspiring, that support my soul, when I am doing things that make a difference,  with people that love me and support me. 

It seems like I flip between thinking (feeling?) things are great or awful. When I am in the awful – the pit of despair – I can follow that path until everything is forever bad and will never change. if i can take a step onto the path of good – the ecstasy, the joy – I am aware that not everything is awful and that I am capable of feeling good. All good – all bad. Internal judge making snap rulings.

When I am talking to my counsellor or my teacher/initiators I notice that everything can feel worse than it is. I do the opposite with my parents, with some friends and for a strange reason my doctor. I feel safe with some people for things to not be okay all the time and I guess I take the opportunity to let out that part of my life – sometimes though, I feel like I have made it out to be worse than it is – but I don’t know if that is part of the same false belief that I shouldn’t have problems that leads me to minimize with everyone else.

This is all stuff that I talk to S about and I guess it is starting to sink in. I thought about this all day and started to write this before I realized that it is all connected to my current assignment. It often seems to work this way for me – just as I am starting to worry about not having done enough or having forgotten my work, all the stuff that has been working me bubbles to the surface.